Reality Check.

It's been quite some time since I sat down and just wrote.  Well, for myself.  Not for some pompous University professor- focusing on margins and fonts.  I realized today that I really want to remember this time in my life - remember my feelings and what has been the reality of my life in 2011.  The reality is, is that it's been a really, really tough year.  I think back over even the past 12 months and see the bumpy road it's been and honestly - I'm just glad it's behind us.
I'm going to be straightforward with myself about what I've learned.  Fantasy vs. Reality.  So down the road I can look over this and remember what this past year of blood sweat and tears has taught me.

The fantasy of a commission only job is that you have the potential to make so much money.  You can get filthy rich doing it.  If you're lucky.  For us, the reality was uglier than homemade soup.  We have scraped by these past 12 months.  We made sacrifices and tried to make it work.  It has felt like a total emotional roller coaster, never knowing what the future held.

I've contemplated going back to school for years, and that fantasy is that I would be so smart that I will just fly right through the classes, now that I'm older and more mature - hey I said it was a fantasy.  While the reality is that although I've gotten straight A's so far, it's been because of a lot of good old fashioned studying and hard work.  There is no luck in grades - it's effort.   The fantasy was that I would just do my schoolwork while my overactive toddler was napping daily.  But the reality is, I really enjoy this time to do all sorts of things like Facebook, chat on the phone, nap, and bake stuff to ensure that I keep my butt really big.  I end up studying around the clock, whenever I feel like I have a half hour to delve into a text and pound it into my brain.

For the past 3 months, we decided to try to find the husband a job back in Southern Utah because we both want to be back down there so bad.  We love it there - it is home to us.  I was born and raised there and this just doesn't feel like home to me.  The fantasy was, was that husband would be able to get this one job that he applied for back in March - a great Management position.  It took 2 and half months for them to go through the interview process for several individuals, and it was down to deciding between these last 2 guys.  Husband was one of them.  I looked for housing every day.  I looked for other jobs there, but they are scarce.  Everything was always "well, if we move..."  Our lives were up in the air for nearly 3 months.  After praying, pleading, and practically having nervous breakdowns every other day because it was taking so long... He got an email - yes, super classy - no? an email saying that after careful consideration, they went with the other guy.  That day I tried to be strong.  I tried to look like I knew it all along that it woudln't be so easy.  The reality was, I got in the shower and sobbed for over a half hour, feeling like I had to scrape myself up off the floor and go out and face the world again.  I kid you not - if someone would've put a narcotic in front of me that day, I would've eaten it, snorted it, sucked on it...  I could not escape the pain that jolted me to the core.  I could only imagine what husband was feeling (although husband is much less dramatic than me).  Also, he's much more resilient and positive!  Surprise, surprise.  He's Superman.  Of course he was bummed.  He came home and it looked like the glimmer in his eyes was gone.  The anxiety was eating us up, and we could barely speak to each other without sounding bleak and miserable for a few days.

All I have to do is just think about reality and it is like a wildfire out in the dry, dry desert.  The parched brush being engulfed in flames and spreading a mile a minute - it's like the panic that spreads across my body and settles in my stomach.  I can feel a frown on my face.  I go outside and face the sunshine.  My eyes close and I feel the warmth permeate me.

My heart sobbed inside of me for days, and it felt as though I couldn't console myself.  What was he going to do?  We couldn't make this work anymore.  Although he has his Bachelors degree, was he going to go back to school for training for a better job?  I looked for jobs too, but for me with 2 children in daycare, actually three every 10 weeks because of year round school - it is not even an option to make it financially feasible.  I have felt so helpless.  So scared for our future.  So sad that I still remain so far away from my family.

I have been praying so hard.  Spending nights soaking my pillow, fretting over finances, health, home, and happiness.  It is said that women do most of the mental work in relationships - worrying over these things, so it really should come as no surprise to me - but still... I am the type of gal that still wonders every 28 days or so why I feel so dang psycho and then all the sudden..... Boom - oh PMS.  Really?  You'd think after nearly 20 years of this I'd get used to that.  I'm just not a very quick learner...

So the fantasy is, is that someday soon, husband will be doing something that he loves and will actually get a paycheck for it.
The reality is, is that even if he doesn't - what we have is really all that truly matters.  We have Us.  We have our Marriage... our friendship... our relationship... We have our bond that holds strong even through money, health, stress, and humility.  We have the 3 children that are reminders of our love and our sacrifices every single day.  It brings me to tears just thinking of all the ways that they bring joy to our lives.  Sure, I realize that instead, I could be a successful career woman, traveling the world, getting my hair done, shopping at nice stores, and actually have some money in my pocket - yes a fantasy... but that is not what I chose.  Even though sometimes I have to remind myself that I get to live in reality, and that reality actually makes me Human.  Imperfect.  Flawed.  Stressed.  Depressed.
Yes, all those things.  But it also makes me perfected in He who makes all this possible.  Our Creator.  He doesn't care if I wear Jimmy Choo's, carry a Coach bag, and make six figures a year.  He doesn't judge me for being overweight, having stretch marks, and lots of grey hairs in my early 30's.  He for sure doesn't judge me for wearing Walmart clothes and flip-flops, and watering my flowers in my bathrobe.  All He wants is for me to just turn to Him.  I know that this is reality - MY reality.  It may sound cliche that I would want to feel more spiritual during these times, but honestly - there is only so much Xanax in the world... I am going through the refiners fire.  When we go through the furnace and the heat is on, like a fine silver - it is purified... refined.

Reality, checked.