Closer to Fine.

I have been sober for three weeks now.  I was heavily involved in a relationship with my dark master - Chocolate.  Sugar has been my drug of choice for so many years.  I'm not sure when it came to be...  Perhaps it was when I felt alone and learned that sugar never betrayed me or talked back.   It always was there and made me feel better.  Or maybe it was when I told myself "self, you're never going to do cocaine, heroin or any drug... lets find an alternative though, because life seems to be a bit too hard for you to handle sometimes..."
Feeling ashamed that I was struggling a bit more than the average person with the simple day to day life - I didn't want anyone to know that I was so weak.  I've always been one to deconstruct my words and actions day to day.  I have never been the type to be able to say "this is me, take it or leave it" no matter how hard I tried.  I found myself always analyzing a conversation afterward ending up in the fetal position under the covers - mortified because of all the stupid things I thought I said or did.  So I guess I turned to Carrot Cake.  Cheesecake.  Chocolate cake.  Cupcakes.  You get the picture.  Because cake is the food of the Gods, and it understands.  When it is accompanied with ice cream - I can hear angels sing.

I have blogged about my battle with my weight and food time and time again.  I've made it clear that I know what to eat, how much to eat, how to exercise, and that I could possibly be an author of such a book someday.  I've heard many well-intentioned people try to inspire me and educate me with their own knowledge and success, as if I don't know what to do.  I've tried a million diets and reading a million books and magazines, hoping one of them had the magical answer of what would finally click and make me overcome my weakness.  The weakness that more feels more of an addiction.

Each diet, book, pill, or program I have tried doing - I go into with high hopes of finally overcoming it all and being able to finally like the person I've hated seeing in the mirror for the last decade or so.  I know I have lied to myself and made all of my issues look like it's all about the weight.  It's certainly not.  I know if I woke up tomorrow being a trim size 6, I would still be me.  Insecurities, self loathing and all.  It sounds awful, but it's the truth.  It's the truth that I've been running from, that no matter what I do, if I have some good days or get to a place in my life where I'm doing pretty good sometimes, when I struggle with depression somewhere down the road - I decided that food was my best medicine.

A few weeks ago I decided for me I was going to get out of the vicious cycle of the sweet/salty cravings.  You know - you eat salty then you crave sugar... you eat sugar and then you want salty.  I stopped eating the sugar.  For the first week or so I was angry at the world.  It's been hard.  Realllllly hard.  But I knew I had to start somewhere.

I am motivated by the feeling that the kindest thing I can do for my children I love and adore so much is to be the best version of me that I can be.  Be a great example of what a healthy self-concept is as a woman in this world.  I do not want to teach my girls that their self esteem comes from a successful diet, or a certain size.  I do not want to teach them to value perfection and flawlessness.  I do not want them to think that they cannot share their feelings and be honest.


I feel a strong resolve to change, but I've felt this way before.  I know I could just fall back into it in a matter of moments.  I have heard that we make over 200 decisions per day regarding our consumption of food.  Yes, no wonder we all have a preoccupation - hunger is a physical need we all try to overcome.  I don't pretend to be the only one that struggles with this as every person has to eat to live, and I know many people are overweight.  I just see my own struggle with emotional and compulsive eating for what it is, how sensitive I am about it, and work every day to overcome it.

I guess I am at the point where I am not looking for the right book or advice - I am looking at why I have carried this weight around for as long as I have.  Why I try to escape from my feelings.  The answers are inside of me - not out in the world. Lots of empty hope out there in the world that the answer might be in the Shape magazine at the checkout, or at the bottom of that milkshake I just had to have.  By making the choice to pass on Desserts, I know that I still may not even lose much weight.  I guess just taking the step to serve myself better instead of serving the dark master that is sugar, I hope to grow more and make my peace with food.  It's the hardest thing for me to wage this battle on a daily basis.

I have rewritten this post what feels like a hundred times, because I am so sensitive about being overweight and even having to struggle with this.  It's like I don't want the world to know, but it's the big giant elephant in the room for me.  (no puns here, people!)  I know I am not alone with this struggle, even though it really feels like it quite often.  This is something I have to take day by day, and sometimes moment, by agonizing moment.  I know many people just don't get it.  Just can't understand how someone can actually get fat.  I just have to dust off my self esteem, my sense of humor and try not to worry about the rest of the world and what they think of me - even though that is really, truly hard for me.  I was just listening to the song by the Indigo Girls "Closer I am to fine".  I really heard the words in the chorus of the song and I had to smile.  The more I live my life, the closer I am to "fine".